Bits and Pieces from Old Journals

These will probably be embarrassing to read, but what the hell…the unexamined life and all that:

The Jagged Edge of Consciousness
Reality spreads its chasm charismatically opening the characteristics of nature, humanity, the jagged boredom of day after day until the chasm turns dark & death arrives.

See! What’s that cheery?

—————————

This one identifies my bi-polar disorder more than 30 years before it was diagnosed:

No More Pendulum Swaying

seeking the line of Competency

denying reason and Logic

never being what is Expected

always open to Communication

avoiding all societal Labels

love is a heated word

and passion is cold steel

I used to think, and I still do, that my life was one extreme to another. Either really happy or really sad, Really energetic or really tired, and so on. There wasn’t any room in between for normalcy. Now, I feel that the gap of swinging between extremes has narrowed and that the center — when the pendulum swings no more is called “competency”.

————————-
I was particularly obsessed with the subway, since that’s where I did most of my writing, during the hours long commutes.

Blue-white florescent lights reflect off the tiled walls of the subway. I’m on the train, everything is man-made and I am in motion. Harmony in a man-made environment is the challenge of one against millions. To survive another day is to break even.

The train passes stations I will never enter, places where people live and work, breath and think; how they do it is unknown to me. I know generally by being a member of the same species, but specifically I know nothing of their anger, pain, joy, hostility, play, relaxation.

Do they sleep well at night, resting from their earnest labor or do they turn in their beds, eyes closed but eyes moving, listening to the subway moving under their streets?

———————

This one is from college. I think I was drinking beer at the time.

I am. Today I was a joker, a jerker, a liar, a laugher, a burglar, a drunk, a consumer, a fool, a writer, a seer, a knower, a pursuer, a refuser, a pretense, an offense, a lover, a phone call, and a remark.

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